


broken halos (that used to Shine)

by BlackcatNamedlucky



Series: Alexander the Great [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Army, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Military, Civilian Magnus Bane, Closeted Character, DADT, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lawyer Magnus Bane, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Military Homophobia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-DADT, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soldier Alec Lightwood, and it will not be alec, at the very end, ish, major character death is the very last chapter, some violence, sort of? they're...together from the beginning, there will be two other multi-chapter works in this series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-05-13 07:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14744429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackcatNamedlucky/pseuds/BlackcatNamedlucky
Summary: Alec Lightwood is used to making life-or-death decisions, as a captain in the Army it comes with the territory, but important decisions about his life are rarely ever made at home until a handsome lawyer with a heart of gold comes along and pushes him off his carefully planned out path.





	1. Thirteen November 2004

Alec didn’t know how he found himself standing outside the seemingly unexceptional bar on a Friday night, especially seeing as how he should be standing at the end of a very long aisle, signing a contract that would essentially be his death sentence. He supposed that he should probably at least try to make contact with his family, explain what happened with the wedding, but right now all he wanted to do was forget the last year. Forget his last tour, forget the goddamn security detail that left him with innocent blood on his hands. Forget and be free. So, maybe Alec didn’t know what had finally snapped in him, maybe it hadn’t been just one thing, but Alec knew that he had to do this. And so he went in.  
The lights in the room were a muted blue and a pop-rock band played on the stage in the far corner. A small cluster of tables were pushed to the wall closest to where Alec stood, a few patrons sitting and chatting there. Alec skirted around the crowd of people who were dancing by the stage and slipped up to the bar.  
“What can I getcha, darlin’?”  
“Uh, Guinness, draft.”  
“Sure thing.” The bartender grabbed a pint glass and filled it, sliding it over to Alec when a handsome, broad-shouldered man walked up next to him, leaning on his forearms on the bar.  
“His drink is on me, Derek,” he drawled, laying a bill on the table.  
The bartender collected the money and rolled his eyes. “Alright, Magnus.”  
The man who’d been identified as Magnus turned to face Alec, cheeks and eyes sparkling. “Never could resist a pretty boy with sad eyes. What’s your name?”  
Alec started, blinking owlishly at the man. “Oh, um. Alec. I’m Alec.”  
Magnus laughed, soft and low. “First time?”  
Alec blushed, looking down at his drink before looking back at the man. “That obvious?”  
“We’ve all got ours, don’t worry about it.”  
Alec gave him a small smile before looking back at the wooden bar, acutely aware of Magnus’ eyes on him as he pushed the glass of beer between his hands for a moment before taking a sip, wincing slightly.  
“Not much of a drinker?”  
Alec shook his head, examining the liquid in his glass. “Nah, just always forget how the real stuff tastes.”  
Magnus scoffed bemusedly. “Pardon?”  
“Oh, uh, just don’t drink a lot. Job shit and all.”  
“Sounds like a boring job.”  
Alec snorted, shaking his head. “Not how I would tend to describe it.” He turned to face Magnus, taking another sip of his drink and quickly looking the man up and down. He wore an embellished sport coat, gold thread twining in intricate and delicate designs against the dark blue fabric. An array of necklaces dripped down the front of his dark grey button up and a set of heavy silver rings flashed against the tawny skin of his hand as he played with the stem of his glass.  
Magnus was now wearing a smirk and he reached out, laying a hand on Alec’s. “Do you dance?”  
At this, Alec let out a full laugh, bent double for a second before composing himself. “God, no. Unless you want to waltz. No, my sister likes to say I look like a chicken with its head cut off when I try, so take that how you will.”  
Magnus covered his mouth with his free hand, mirth shining in his eyes. “Well, your sister sounds very descriptive.” He tsked. “It’s a damn shame, too. Would have loved to see that body in action.”  
Alec bit his lip and, surprised by his own bravery, replied, “I can think of a few other ways we can arrange that.”  
A smile grew on Magnus‘ face and he toyed with the gunmetal grey ear cuff adorning his right ear. “Well, both of my roommates are out of town. What do you say we get out of here?”  
Alec swallowed and nodded, a grin of his own tugging at the corners of his lips. “Yeah.”  
###  
When the sun rose that morning it sparkled silver on Magnus’ scarlet bedspread, stretched over the sleeping forms of the two men. A cat pounced onto the bed and stalked up the length of its owner’s body, nudging him forcefully in the cheek with its nose.  
“Mmph, wha-” He blinked awake, sighing. “Dammit, Church. How’d you get in here?” The cat yowled and batted at Magnus’ face. “Yeah, I get it,” he grumbled, carefully pushing himself out of bed. He grabbed a pair of boxer briefs and some sweatpants from his dresser and slid them on before following the cat out of the room.  
A few moments later Alec shifted uncomfortably where he was lying, uncurling from his spot on the bed and stretching outward to meet empty air. Still fuzzy from sleep, he sat up, blinking and looking around the room. After a moment of confusion, he shook his head slightly and pulled himself out of bed, grabbing his clothes from the floor and pulling them on. He squinted for a second, eyes drifting to the right before he twisted around, picking up the discarded jacket from the dresser next to the door before shrugging it on and walking into the hall and nearly colliding with Magnus.  
“Woah, hey. Leaving already?”  
“I, ah, figured you wanted me to.”  
Magnus bit his lip and furrowed his brow. “Actually um, I wanted to ask you something. I don’t mean to be too forward but, last night was...pretty amazing. I know it was supposed to be a one-time thing, but, what would you think about doing that again sometime?”  
Alec faltered, opening his mouth to speak then clamping it shut before saying, “I’m sorry. I’m gone all the time, and I can’t do the whole dating thing. Can’t even be out.”  
Magnus shrugged. “No strings attached, then?”  
Alec worried his lower lip, looking distantly at the picture behind Magnus. He nodded, timidly. “Yeah, that sounds fun.”  
“Great. Um, I wrote down my number for you, actually.” Magnus held out a small strip of paper that Alec took slowly.  
“You were pretty sure I was gonna say yes, huh?” Alec teased, twisting the paper around in his hands before tucking it into his jeans pocket.  
“You were pretty into it,” Magnus replied, smirking, before turning abruptly towards the bedroom. “There’s coffee if you want some, in the kitchen, should be done,” he said over his shoulder, going further into the room to find some clothes.  
Alec smiled down at the paper before tucking it away in his jacket pocket.  
###  
Alec hesitated before unlocking the door to his apartment, pushing the door open as quietly as he could and stepping inside.  
“Alec! Oh, thank God!” Izzy barrelled into him, wrapping her arms around him before pulling back and punching his shoulder. “What the hell were you thinking!? Calling off the wedding with no explanation, leaving your phone on the kitchen counter? I thought you were- I thought- dammit, Alec. Just. Never do something like that again, you hear me? Never.”  
Alec hung his head and scrubbed his hand down his face. “Izzy I’m, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you- I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”  
“I’m just glad you’re safe, Alec. Where were you, anyway?”  
Alec balked, slowly moving past Izzy and walking backward down the hall. “Um. Just with a friend. I’m gonna...shower, real quick. We can talk after, okay?” He tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace as he waited for Izzy’s response.  
She nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, okay. Just...you know you can talk to me about anything, right Alec?”  
“Yeah. Thank you.”  
###  
Alec stood in the shower, his head tilted back and water rushing over his neck and down his body. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t tell anyone about...about himself. Who he was. But he needed to give his family some excuse, some reason for walking out like that. What had he been thinking? Maybe he should have just gone through with it. Maybe it would have been easier to hide for the rest of his life than to deal with whatever he had gotten himself into now. At a quiet knock on the door, Alec started and reached out, turning off the water.  
“Yeah?”  
“Alec, you’ve been in there for like an hour...can you tell me what’s going on?”  
Alec sniffed, stepping out of the shower and pulling on a pair of sweatpants before opening the door. “Nothing is going on, Izzy. I’m fine.”  
“Are you? Because you’re acting weird, shady. I know your last deployment was-”  
“Don’t. Just, please Izzy, just leave it alone. It has,” Alec swallowed thickly. “This has nothing to do with that. I’m just tired.”  
Izzy stared at Alec searchingly, then sighed. “Okay. Have you talked to Mom and Dad yet?”  
“No. Did they call?”  
“Not me, no. At least they’ve gone home by now, you don’t have to deal with Mom face to face.”  
“Well, everything’s got its silver lining.”  
“Yeah.” She paused for a moment. “I might go out with some friends tonight, I’ll text you if I’ll be home late.”  
Alec nodded, stepping around Izzy and towards the bedroom. “Alright. I’m gonna try to take a nap.”  
She stared after him, waiting in the hall until the bedroom door had closed and light no longer escaped from under where the door met the carpet before turning around, flicking the light off in the bathroom and walking back down the hall, pulling out her phone before she quietly left the apartment.


	2. Twenty-Seven November 2004

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's not people that push you off the path, it's what carved the path out for you in the first place

It had only been two weeks but somehow Alec felt freer than he had for over a decade. For once in his life, nothing was expected of him. He could just be Alec, didn’t have to be Alec the soldier, or captain, neither leader nor follower, not the family disappointment, the one who skipped out on his own wedding, who couldn’t get his shit together for longer than a week before acting out. 

Well, the week was up. Alec hadn’t been able to stand Thanksgiving with his family and had flown home early after a shouting match with his mother, leaving behind whatever was left of his relationship with his parents and a sister who now had to deal with their anger alone. Now he was left in an apartment that was barely his, switching between drinking and sleeping for two days while he waited to be told wherever he was going next.

Until that was, he got an unexpected text from Magnus about wanting to come over and talk and something heavy settled in his heart. A kind of heavy he’d never felt before, one that came with the utter destruction of hope, not tamped out by someone else's rules, someone else’s actions, but a situation he had made himself.

He did his best to clean up, to make it look like he hadn’t taken serious advantage of a party store’s beer aisle, showered, but the entire time he was on auto-pilot, not really processing what was happening until a loud buzzing shocked him into reality and alerted him that Magnus had arrived.

He went to the door, let him in, stood stiffly as Magnus entered the apartment.

“Hey.”

Alec swallowed, closing the door behind Magnus and standing with his back to it, arms crossed. “Hi. You-you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah, listen I know I said no strings attached, I did mean it but-” he paused, turning abruptly and walking toward the couch before stopping in his tracks and facing Alec again. “Have you ever had your family ask you when you’re going to come back home with someone on your arm? Relentlessly? Even when you say you don’t know, or you’re focusing on work.”

Alec nodded wordlessly but Magnus didn’t seem to notice, caught up in his thoughts, staring resolutely at a spot on the door behind Alec.

“I just got back less than an hour ago, and, the whole time I was gone I couldn’t...I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I thought I was just lonely, I never really felt at home there, and I love my family but it’s really only my parents who know me and. I’m not making any sense. I just wanted to ask you, the whole dating thing, I don’t care if-if you’re busy, or if you can’t tell anyone, or if we’re better off just fucking, there’s something about you, Alec, and I-”

“Yes.”

Magnus’ eyes snapped to watch Alec as he crossed the room. “Yes?”

“The whole dating thing. I’m willing to try. I’m tired of not letting myself be happy and...there’s something about you too, Magnus. My whole life I never thought I could have what I wanted. You showed me I could, so yeah. Sometimes you need to take a risk, huh?”

Magnus smiled and laughed to himself. “You are full of surprises, Alexander.”

Alec stepped closer, letting his arms fall to his sides. “To let you in on a little secret, I’m surprising myself here too,” he said, soft and only just above a whisper.

###

**2 December 2004**

Alec got back from his run just after the mail arrived. He grabbed it from the mailbox without checking it, his main priority being getting into a shower before his sweat froze on his skin. The mail ended up as a pile on the pull-out bed while Alec showered, only being picked up when he went to the kitchenette to make coffee. He leafed through it idly, coffee cup in hand, when he found the thick envelope emblazoned with the Army’s insignia nestled in between coupons and bills.

Hastily setting down his mug and the rest of the mail, Alec reached for the knife clipped to the waistband of his sweatpants and flicked it open, slicing open the envelope and letting the contents fall onto the counter. Setting down the knife, he picked up the single slip of paper that the envelope had contained, scanning its words with an anxious pit in his stomach before throwing it down with the rest of the mail, whirling around, and slamming his fist into the wall.

Seconds later, Izzy appeared in the hallway, eyes wide and frightened. “Alec? What happened?”

Shoulders shaking, with anger or silenced sobs Izzy couldn’t tell, he slowly turned and picked up the letter, wordlessly handing it to Izzy. He clenched his jaw as she read, crossing his arms and looking blankly at the ceiling.

“Combat mission? After...after-aren’t you supposed to be stationed at home until this time next year?”

Alec worked his jaw back and forth, swallowing before speaking in a voice shaking with hatred. “Yeah, not according to the fine print. All that ‘at the discretion of the Army’ bullshit. Most likely scenario is they’re thinking it’s gonna last a couple weeks, month and a half tops, then they send us home again, but it never really works out that way.”

“It might.”

“No, Iz. It never works out like that. People die. Civilians...soldiers.”

“Alec, it’s not going to be like last time-”

“You mean when I got someone killed?” Izzy opened her mouth to respond but Alec didn’t wait for it. “I have to go. There’s- there’s someone I need to talk to before I leave.”

Izzy watched Alec as he stalked around the apartment gathering up his things, and, not for the first time that month, felt hopeless. When he disappeared into the bathroom to change into his fatigues she picked up the rest of the mail, sorting through it just to distract herself. He came out again, jacket unbuttoned and mumbling to himself before stopping where he stood, shoulders dropping from their stiff, straight position to something more dejected.

“I’m sorry Iz. For all the shit that happened. That you have to deal with my shit.”  
Izzy sighed, the mail abandoned once again she walked to Alec and wrapped him in a hug. “You’re my big brother, Alec. There’s not a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for you. Go, talk to this person, and you come back home in one piece.”

###

Alec supposed that he should have told Magnus something rather less anxiety-inducing than ‘I need to tell you something’ before showing up at his door, in uniform no less, but he’d already reverted back to the deliciously effortless no-nonsense, no sugar-coating way of getting information across that he was used to. The thought didn’t even come to him until he had knocked on the door, barely moments before the door opened.

“So I’m guessing this is what you had to tell me?” Magnus asked, jaw tense.

“I swear, I was going to tell you before I had to leave again, but I got new orders this morning. It’s...it’s a combat mission so I understand if you want to stop...whatever this is before...before someone else can do that for you.”

Magnus regarded Alec carefully for a few moments before motioning for Alec to wait at the door and leaving his view for a brief second. When he returned a black wool coat was clutched in one hand and he called into the apartment over his shoulder, “I’m heading out! Should be back in an hour!” before turning his attention back to Alec. “Did you take a cab here?”

Alec furrowed his brow, watching Magnus as he stepped into the hallway and locked the door to his apartment. “Uh, no, drove. Don’t like taking public transport in uniform.”

“Understandable. Let me drive you to the airport.” Magnus shrugged on his coat, reaching out a hand for Alec’s keys.

“What?”

“Well, it’s not exactly wise to leave your car in the lot for a year, is it? Let me drive you, I can drop the car off at your apartment then catch a cab home.” When Alec still didn’t move, Magnus dropped his hand. “My dad was a Marine. I get that your schedule is dictated by where your country needs you, and you’re right, we just started this thing. Meaning it would have been so easy for you to just leave without telling me, but you didn’t. I care about you, Alexander, I don’t know exactly what that means right now, but I care. And I’m willing to try to keep this going if you are.”

Alec pursed his lips, reaching slowly into his pocket, pulling out his keys, and handing them to Magnus, who gave him a soft smile. “You already chose me over the easy option, Alexander. I’m just returning the favor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking I'm going to write a small chapter for Memorial Day as well, which is going to have some brief background info about the year that led up to where Alec is now, but after that, I can't tell you when the next chapter will be out since finals are in a week. I hope to make it quick because I've been planning this story for months and it's finally coming together. 
> 
> Also, I forgot to link this last time but I have a playlist for this fic that you can access [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/friendlyneighborhoodlesbian40/playlist/0RHWleKbGKGCYrhq1HNCrp?si=qCnGbDW0QHK6JpWHCpCkKQ)
> 
> As always, drop a comment or kudos if you liked it, and you can hit me up on [Tumblr](bi-izzylightwood.tumblr.com) if you want to chat. Also still looking for a beta, if that interests you.


	3. 30 May 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is a brief, non-explicit, not really graphic instance of violence in this chapter and a character dies. If that doesn't exactly suit your fancy you can skip past the three hash marks and read the endnotes to see the summary so you don't miss the information present in this chapter.

_Alec was sitting at a table in the rec center, field stripping his weapon to clean it when the boy sat across from him and lowered his voice conspiratorially as he leaned across the table to talk to Alec._

_“Why’d you do it?”_

_Alec set down the oil rag in his hand and looked up at the kid, a PFC who’d just transferred to his unit. Alec didn’t know him very well and opted to stare at him blankly until he’d elaborated on his question._

_“Why’d you propose to the Sarg?”_

_“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Wilson.”_

_“But it’s clear you’re not like, into her.”_

_More amused than annoyed now, Alec prompted, “And what makes you think you can make that judgement after having spent less than a month here?”_

_“Well,” the kid got quieter now, leaning in closer. “You’re gay, aren’t you?”_

_Alec’s amusement quickly turned stony. “Accusations like that against a senior officer are grounds for-”_

_“No! I’m not- I’m not trying to get you booted or anything! I just think you deserve better.”_

_Alec tensed his jaw and squinted at the kid. To his surprise, he found nothing but genuineness in his manner. He let out a dry laugh, resigned to the fact that he was going to have to humor the kid if he wanted this to blow over. “Well, if you’re so set on me being gay, where do you suggest I find that?”_

_The kid paused, obviously not expecting to get past his original hypothesis in the conversation before he was made to do an ungodly amount of push-ups. “I don’t, um, know. I just think it’s...best if you have hope. That we-you’ll get out of this one day.”_

_No sooner had the words escaped his mouth than a patch of red bloomed just above the kid’s heart, he looked down then slowly back up at Alec. “Why didn’t you save me?” he asked, sounding betrayed, and collapsed out of his chair._

_Alec shot out of his seat, looking around desperately to find the assailant when the scene changed violently._

_Five February 2004. 0542. A grey dawn broke over the horizon, casting a gloomy light over a haggard band of soldiers trekking through a seemingly abandoned marketplace. A rough wind blew through the empty stalls, rustling the awnings still hanging there and blurring Alec’s vision. Not this, not again, Alec would rather be trapped in a firefight without a resupply of ammo than have to deal with this again. He tried to speak, to warn the kid what was about to happen, but his voice was lost in the grainy wind._

_Alec could see the insurgent coming this time but he felt like he was moving through cement, trying to reach for his rifle alone took five times as long as it should have, and by the time he’d responded the kid was already bleeding out on the ground, screaming in pain. This part was no different, slow and bitter like molasses as the kid wept for his mom. As a boy barely older than nineteen died in Alec’s arms. As Alec went numb, turning a harsh voice on the man who was meant to be monitoring their left flank when all he wanted to do was switch places with the kid._

###

Alec walked through the cemetery, a bouquet of yellow and white roses in his hand as he searched for the right headstone. When he found it and bent down to set the bouquet over the grave, his movements were unnaturally stiff, like someone else was telling him what to do. Hands free of the flowers, he squatted next to the grave and laid a hand on the cool headstone.

  
**James W  
** PFC  
US Army  
Iraq  
OCT 7 1985  
FEB 5 2004  
Beloved son  


“Thought you should know I didn’t go through with the wedding. Your little, uh, theory was right, got a man on my arm now. Not that...anyone knows.” Alec cleared his throat and sniffed. “God, what I wouldn’t give to be in your place right now, Wilson. You were too young. I’m...so sorry I couldn’t...couldn’t do my job.” He paused, leaning his head on the stone before straightening again. “Your um, your sister called last night. She wanted me to tell you she misses you. That she has a boyfriend now and it’s, um,” his voice broke, “incredibly rude of you to not be around to intimidate her first boyfriend.” Alec laughed a little at that before sobering again. “I’m so sorry, Private. You didn’t deserve this.” He finished, staring spiritlessly at the stark white gravestone in front of him, unaware he was crying until a heavy hand landed on his shoulder.

“Hey.” He stood slowly, barely turning to see Jace standing beside him before he was enveloped in a comforting hug. “I’ve got you, brother. I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basic summary: a young Private in Alec's company was shot on a mission Alec was leading, Alec blames himself for the kid's death, though it was largely unavoidable.
> 
> I know this was barely violence, this story is not going to have a lot of violent scenes in it. We all know about the ugly side of war and I don't wish to romanticize it further than the military already has. This story is about Alec, his relationship with himself, with Magnus, with his family, and with his men. It's an exploration of his character that just happens to be set at war since I thought the original context of the shadowhunters translated well.
> 
> Also, to my knowledge, I am not afflicted with PTSD, so if I portrayed how the nightmares work incorrectly I apologize. I looked at descriptions lent by people with PTSD (via scripttraumasurvivors) and tried to be true to what I saw, but obviously, there's a difference between reading something and experiencing it.


	4. 17 June 2005

Alec finished dealing the hand and leaned back in his seat.

“Hey, Cap, what’s the deal with this Maggie girl?” Maia asked from across the table.

Alec’s eyes shot up from his cards and landed on the young specialist. “Jace, what the hell.” He asked dryly, eyes not straying to the man sitting next to him.

“Hey! Wasn’t me, you told me to stop talking about her.”

Maia laughed briefly at Jace’s indignance before stepping in, “It wasn’t Jace, I heard Raj talking about her. I thought you were with Sergeant Branwell?"  
“Yeah, we didn’t work out. Never woulda seen each other after her promotion, just didn’t seem worth it.”

Maia nodded then, upon realizing Harris was waiting for her to take her turn, turned her attention back to the game long enough to pass the turn to him. “So, you see Maggie more often? She a soldier?”

Alec had stiffened and ever so slightly clenched his jaw as the game went on in the background of what was now apparently everyone in his unit’s new favorite topic of conversation. “No. Civilian. Suppose I don’t see her more often.” He played his turn. “Can we focus on the damn game, my love life is nothing to write home about.”

“Is that why we haven’t heard about the lovely young woman you’ve been discussing, Alec?”

Alec shot to his feet, knocking over his chair and whirling around. “Mother. What are you doing here?”

“I have a meeting with Colonel Herondale and arrived a little early.”

“Strange, you used to be the image of punctuality.”

The three left at the table quietly gathered up the cards and made to leave before Maryse cut in, “No, take your time. Alec was just about to walk with me to the colonel’s office.”

Alec gave his mother a tight smile, leaning over and righting the knocked over chair before stalking towards the door and stepping outside, waiting stiffly for Maryse to join him. “You know the way to the offices. I’ll be at the barracks if you want anything. Though I trust you won’t.”

“Alec, no. Apparently we have things to discuss.”

He laughed and shook his head, but started heading for the offices anyway. “No, we really don’t. I thought I made that clear.”

“What you made clear is that you’re a twenty-six year old man acting like a sixteen year old girl.”

Alec snorted, not bothering to slow his walk to look back at Maryse. “Aw, you sure know how to make a guy feel special. I don’t have to talk to you about my personal life, Mother. You only ever cared whether or not I was a good little soldier, so I don’t see why romance matters to you.”

“Because you are my son, Alec. Believe it or not, I do care whether you’re happy.”

Alec stopped in his tracks and turned on her. “Oh, do you? Then why did you force me into this? Killing people doesn’t make me happy, actually, it’s quite the opposite, because I’m a fucking normal person. Maybe I should tell your superiors to get you a psych eval.”

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood I am your mother-”

"You’re acting more like my commanding officer! That’s the only way you and Dad ever acted and you wonder why we barely have a relationship!” Maryse closed her mouth in shock, shame filled her eyes and Alec had to force down the guilt he felt over that. “You’re going to be late for your meeting,” he said, clenching his jaw and looking down the road they’d just walked. “I’ll talk to you later, if you want. I have to go.”

###

Alec had returned to his barracks, glad to find that Harris hadn’t returned from the rec center yet, and collapsed onto his bed, not bothering to shuck off his boots or jacket. After a few minutes he sat up, rolling his neck, then pulling out his phone and staring at the small, dark front screen before flipping it open and dialing. He brought the phone to his ear and waited.

_“Alexander? Hey, how are you?”_

“Hey, Magnus. Tired, but fine, really. Is this a bad time?”

_“No, no I’m free.”_

Alec let himself smile and leaned back against the wall. “How are things going in the city? Busier, I assume.”

_“Well, maybe busier but not especially eventful. Work, stepping in piss on the subway, gym.”_

“Oh, that’s...pleasant. Can’t say I miss that.”

_“I think I’d be concerned if you did, darling.”_

Alec chuckled. “Yep, I...shoulda seen that coming. Hey, um, I’ve been thinking about something.”

_“Yeah?”_

He sat up again, kicking his legs over the side of the cot, standing and pacing. “Yeah, um, so...I, I was wondering if I could come visit? I won’t have leave time until...oh, October? But I figure planning ahead is probably better than just springing this on you, and well, I guess I just-”

_“Alexander! You’re rambling.”_

“Sorry, I...do that.”

_“I think it would be wonderful for you to visit. Were you really that nervous about asking?”_

“I’ve never done this before, I’m sorry.”

_“Don’t be. Early November?”_

Alec stopped, confused. “Sorry?”

_“We could do early November. My fall schedule is kinda busy but most of November is free.”_

“Yeah, sounds great, gives me time to go through all the appropriate channels, too.” Alec turned at the sound of the door opening to see Harris entering the room. “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll call you later to set a specific date, though?”  
 _“Yeah, okay, looking forward to it.”_

Alec smiled to himself, hanging up and throwing his phone onto his cot. “Hey, Harris. You know where Ja-Lieutenant Wayland is?”

“Yeah, we were just about to head to the gym. You want to join? I could use a spotter.”

“Yeah, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, it's been what...two weeks? Three? I meant to update but, life happens sometimes, you know? Anyways, I've got the next two chapters planned, I'd say sometime this week or next but clearly I'm not good with keeping a schedule so maybe not.  
> Also, on that note, I guess? I'm thinking this series is gonna have some snapshots from Magnus' life, as well as one more work bc I can't get the idea of Alec coming home and being a martial arts instructor, I have this whole plan already...it will be...angsty and then happy, much like life itself. Anyways, that's what I've got. I'm gonna edit this tomorrow but my laptop is dying so I gotta be quick.


	5. 14 August 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for casual homophobia

Alec paced on the edge of the training field, the sky above him turning from pink and orange to a dusky blue-grey. The dry August heat beat into his skin even as the sun disappeared over the horizon and the droning scream of cicadas was replaced by the euphonious humming of crickets. Across the field, Alec saw a platoon line up and felt a twinge of sympathy, the oppressive heat and oncoming darkness would make for a miserable training session, however useful it may be for future deployments. He wondered whether or not the fresh-faced boys in the line had known what they were in for when they signed up. 

He huffed out a laugh that fell just shy of amused and squared his shoulders, pushing his hands into his pockets and turning to trek back to the barracks.

When he reached his room the door was already opened slightly and he heard voices coming from within. He pushed the door open further and entered the room, seeing Jace perched on his cot tossing a hacky sack back and forth with Harris, who was on his own cot next to Cook.

“Hey guys, what’re you talking about?” Alec asked, stripping off his uniform jacket and shirt and throwing them in the laundry bin before pulling on a simple cotton t-shirt, shucking his boots, and joining Jace on his cot.

“Just shootin’ the shit. What have you been doing out this late, huh?” Harris tossed the hacky sack his way.

“Don’t worry Harris, I’m sure Lightwood’s been nothing but faithful to you.” Cook joked, earning the hacky sack being flung his way by Alec, barely managing to catch it before it smacked into his jaw.

Alec smirked. “Actually I was carrying on a salacious love affair with your mother. We were going to tell you but she figured it would be better to wait until the divorce was made official.”

Cook feigned a look of betrayal and Alec laughed.

“Speaking of love affairs, though, you guys hear about Lieutenant Lynch?” Harris asked, sitting up and leaning towards the other guys.

“No, what’d he do?”

“Rumor is he’s being discharged-”

Jace snorted. “They’re not gonna boot him for cheating on his wife, dumbass.”

“No, man, someone caught him being a bit uh...immoral on his last leave.”

Cook frowned. “The fuck does that mean?”

“Some guy was askin’ and he was tellin’. All night long.” Harris wiggled his eyebrows lewdly at Cook, who threw the hacky sack at him, snickering when he wasn’t fast enough to catch it.

Alec felt his stomach turn to lead and mouth go dry and sat up straighter against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest like it could hide how fast his heart was now beating. “Lynch? Wouldn’t have pegged him for the type.”

Harris shrugged. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

Jace pursed his lips and shook his head slightly. “I don’t know, man. If it even is true, is it really that big a deal? He can shoot straight without being straight, you know? He was a good soldier.”

Alec felt himself relax, just barely, but enough for him to force himself to lean forward and adopt a more casual pose. “Has the respect of a lot of good men, too. You don’t earn that from nothing.”

“Hey, not saying I disagree with that. He wasn’t under my command but I’ll be sad to see him go.”

Cook scoffed, “Seriously? I say good riddance, this country doesn’t need people like him representing it. Come on, you can’t say you haven’t lost at least a little respect for him.”

Alec swallowed thickly, forcing himself to stay seated when Jace, once again, cut in. “Less than five minutes ago you were joking like Lightwood and Harris were husband and husband in domestic bliss, man, what’s your deal?”

“They’re not actually fucking gays, Wayland, that’s my deal. Why are you getting so defensive about this? Got something to share with the class?”

“No, man, the fuck is your damage, huh? He served his country with honor, he risked his life, I’m not in the business of disregarding that because he might have fucked a dude.”

“Whatever. We gotta go, anyways, curfew’s in ten.” Cook stood abruptly, leaving the room.

Jace rolled his eyes. “See you guys for PT tomorrow, yeah? If he doesn’t happen to wake up in the morning it wasn’t me.”

Harris snorted. “Yeah, night man. Turn out the light when you leave.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

Jace flicked the light switch and turned to leave before he could see Harris giving him the finger and Harris flopped back into his cot, dissatisfied. “Night, Lightwood. Don’t let the bedbugs bite and all that.”

“Yeah,” Alec replied distractedly. He stripped down to his boxers and lay awake under the thin blanket on his cot, thinking about how easily he could have been Lynch, and how vehemently Jace had defended him until the heaviness of his bones dragged him to sleep.


	6. 16 November 2005, 1353

The airport was too crowded. Alec didn’t have a clear line to any of the exits, too many people were brushing against him, hurrying, talking loud and harried and even the languages he does recognize melt into a sea of syllables that he can’t make heads or tails of. A child screams and Alec can’t tell if it’s joyous or terrified, can’t tell if the dark-haired woman making her way towards him is friend or foe (with her determined walk, the way she cuts through the crowd quiet and unnoticed it could be either), can’t control the shaking in his left hand, can’t breathe. He isn’t supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be home, supposed to be able to shed the constant alertness he’s forced to bear overseas and had grown accustomed to ignoring for the past few months.

A hand landed on his shoulder and he realized he was crouched down, back pressed against the wall and body half-hidden by his duffel.

“Alec? Hey, is everything alright?”

He blinks, shakes his head, realizes that Izzy is kneeling next to him with concern flooded eyes, and breathes.

“Yeah. Let’s just go home, yeah?”

She doesn’t look convinced but doesn’t press him either, standing, smoothing down her skirt, allowing Alec the space to unfold himself, pick up his duffle, stand. They walk to the exit, Izzy keeping a hand on Alec’s shoulder the entire way, talking about something he doesn’t quite hear

They’re out of the parking lot and have been on the road for about ten minutes, the cab of Alec’s truck filled with ringing silence when Izzy attempts conversation again.

“I thought you’d have taken your truck to the airport. When you left, I mean. You always say you don’t like going on public transport in uniform.”

Alec starts, which Izzy pretends not to notice, but doesn’t turn from where he’s leaning against the window. “I uh, I did. Friend of mine, guy I went to talk to, drove me and offered to drop the truck off at the apartment so it didn’t have to sit in the lot for God knows how long.”

“Oh, well that was nice of him.” Izzy paused, uncertain how to continue, before settling on, “Army buddy?”

“No, uh, just a guy I met last time I came home.”

“Right, which we still haven’t talked about.”

At this Alec did move, groaning and leaning back against the headrest, squeezing his eyes shut. “Do we really have to get into this right now?”

“Yep. Especially now that Mom says you have a new girlfriend who I haven’t heard about because you _never call_ , and your little sister is getting _worried_ about you, and Mom isn’t convinced that your love life even exists so she _interrogates_ said little sister, which just leaves her even _more_ worried.”

Alec opened one eye, looking sideways at Izzy, and suddenly felt incredibly tired. “I’m sorry. I never meant for her to pile my shit onto you.”

Izzy shook her head. “That’s not my issue here.”

Alec turned to look at her, cocking an eyebrow. “Really? Mom isn’t your issue?”

“No, Alec my issue is that you haven’t been talking to me, about anything, since your wedding. I just want to know what happened.”

Alec sunk back into his seat, and, too exhausted to keep his guard up, started talking, barely above a whisper, “Okay. Yeah, you deserve that. So, uh, I...don’t have a girlfriend-”

“Why did you lie to Mom, then?”

“Can I finish? This is...hard to talk about.”

Izzy glanced over at him, face softening and shoulders loosening. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I am...with someone. I don’t- I,” Alec sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m gay. No one was supposed to know I was...dating someone, but, Jace kept pestering me and I just needed to shut him up or I was gonna lose my mind so I...lied. Not about, not about being in a relationship, just about who with. And then he couldn’t keep his mouth shut because apparently my personal life is very interesting to my men, and Mom overheard me talking about it and.” Alec took a deep breath, avoiding looking at his sister. “Izzy, no one can know. I can’t tell anyone but you, a guy I know, a good soldier, had the respect of the people he served with, he- he just got booted because someone caught him. I can’t do that, I can’t be that, I’m not...good at anything but this.” He swallowed thickly, hazarding a glance in Izzy’s direction to see that her eyes were glued to the road ahead of them but looked like she was about to start crying.

She gripped the steering wheel harder, tentatively starting, “I don’t...know what you need me to say, Alec. You’re my big brother and I love you and nothing could ever change that fact, not that I...wouldn’t love or respect you if you weren’t my brother and I knew you were gay, there’s nothing wrong with you being gay, or anyone being gay, I just, what I meant was-” she cut herself off with a huff of breath. “My point is, Alec, I love you, and I’m proud of you, and I’m so glad you trusted me enough to tell me. I just care that you’re happy, whatever that means for you.” She reached over, taking Alec’s hand and smiling softly at him.

Alec mustered a half smile back before looking at the floor of the truck. “I’m trying.”

###

They’d been home for a few hours now, Izzy had left Alec alone for the most part, holed up in the bedroom and studying for a test she had the next day. He’d called Magnus as soon as he’d gotten home, standing out on the balcony and trying to let the traffic below him fade into background noise rather than being on the forefront of his mind. Magnus had asked if he’d wanted to come over and Alec, desperate to see him again, despite the fact that they already had dinner reservations for the next day, had said yes. So now he found himself standing in front of the bedroom door, trying to find the courage to tell Izzy where he was going. Just as he raised his fist to knock, the door opened and Izzy stepped out.

“Hey, I was just gonna order some food. Do you want anything?” She asked, walking down the hall towards the kitchenette.

Alec followed her after a beat, leaning his back against the counter and watching Izzy pull out a stack of take-out menus from the cupboard above the refrigerator. “No, uh, actually I was going to go over to Magnus’.”

Izzy looked up from the menus, furrowing her brow ever so slightly. “Okay. Are you coming back tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“Call me if you aren’t?”

“Yeah, course.”

Izzy tilted her head, regarding him, then smiled. “Have fun, Alec. And relax a little, you’re hanging out with your boyfriend, not about to charge into battle.”

Alec checked his watch and fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket, adjusting invisible imperfections. “At least I would know what the fuck I was supposed to be doing if that were the case.”

She snorted, going back to leafing through the menus. “Just be yourself, dumbass. Isn’t that what he likes you for?”

He shot her a dry glare. “Thank you very much for that piece of advice I could find in any Dear Abby column about relationships ever. I’ll cherish it as long as I live.” He deadpanned, and Izzy laughed again before sobering and fixing Alec with a stern look.

“Delaying going over there isn’t going to make you any less anxious. And it’s not like you’ll be stuck there if it goes poorly. Just go, Alec. You like him, he likes you, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Alec pushed himself off the counter with a sigh. “Yeah, you're right. I’ll see you later, Iz.”

He’d almost made it out of the apartment when Izzy shouted after him, “Don’t come home unless you get some!”

He may have closed the door behind him a little harder than strictly necessary for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was initially going to include Alec w/ Magnus at his apartment in this chapter but it was already around 1400 words and that would have brought it to close to 2000 words and I'm trying to make chapters relatively short so I didn't want to get into that territory so I'm working on that for the next chapter.


	7. 16 November 2005, 1732

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual content after the second set of hash marks, it's not explicit, but if you don't want to read it skip to the text after the next set of hash marks.

Magnus opens the door only a few seconds after Alec knocks and he smiles, soft and warm and honey-sweet, like the chamomile tea Alec’s mother used to make him when he was little and couldn’t sleep because he was worried that maybe this would be the deployment his father wouldn’t come home from, and Alec thinks _I might love him_ , but he stops himself.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Come in, I just got off work so I have to change real quick but make yourself comfortable.” Magnus backed up to let Alec into the apartment, smiling again as he crossed the room, walking down the hall and entering a room on the left while Alec sat in the armchair in the living room. He held himself unnaturally stiff and tried to force himself to stop cataloguing the exits (the door he’d walked in through, a large window behind him that led to a fire escape, through an open door at the end of the hall he could see another window, and he’s sure that if he checked there would be a window in the room that Magnus hadn’t entered, out of which a dark-skinned woman in bright blue scrubs now came, messing around in her purse).

The woman stopped at the end of the hall and looked up, cocking her head. “You’re here early.” Then she’s walking over to Alec, purse over her shoulder and hand outstretched. “I’m Cat, Magnus’ friend. And roommate.”

Magnus had talked about Cat when they’d talked about what their relationship was and who they wanted to tell about it. He’d described her as something of an older sister figure, his first roommate in New York and one of his best friends. With her hair in a haphazard bun and the faint lines between her eyebrows offset by the smile lines on her cheeks, there’s an almost motherly feel to her and Alec remembers Magnus mentioning that she’s an ER nurse. Alec stands and shakes her hand, noticing the way she holds a little tighter than necessary. “Alec.”

“Right.” Suddenly she’s closer, hand gripping Alec’s and a protective fire in her eyes. “Listen, Magnus has been through a lot of shit in his life. You seem nice, like a man I could trust when I get to know him. Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck with him, I don’t care how capable you are in a fight, my anger is not a pretty thing to deal with.” She stepped back, letting go of Alec’s hand and assessing him with calculating eyes. “Got that?”

He nods. “I don’t plan on fucking this up, ma’am.”

“Good answer. Don’t call me ma’am.”

“Sorry ma-. Sorry. Force of habit.” He looks closer at Cat, now, sees the love and concern etched on her face under its stern mask and _I think I love him_ is on the tip of his tongue when Magnus walks back down the hall in a well-worn button up and dark-wash jeans and Alec bites back the words.

“She wasn’t ruining my reputation, was she?” He directs the question to Alec, walking over and slipping an arm around his waist. He’s more tactile than Alec is usually comfortable with, but somehow, with Magnus, he can’t find it in himself to protest or shy away from the touch.

Cat throws a teasing smirk his way as she makes her way to the door. “What is there to ruin?”

Magnus throws her a glare with no heat behind it and flips her off. Her grin only widens.

She calls out, “don’t have sex on my bed!” before closing the door, then, a little quieter, they hear, “Sorry Mrs. Attlee.” and Magnus bursts out laughing.

“She reminds me of my drill sergeant.”

Magnus turns to look at him, a bemused expression on his face. “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not.”

“Alright.” Magnus turned so he was facing Alec fully, laying a hand on his chest. “I missed you,” he says, managing to sound somehow sad and happy at the same time.

Alec smiled, small and soft. “I missed you, too.”

Magnus leaned in, the already small distance between them closing further until they’re kissing, Magnus’ hand moving so both his arms are looped around the small of Alec’s back, Alec’s hands cupping Magnus’ face with reverence.

After a few seconds, they broke apart, grinning at each other like fools before Magnus pulled back. “Come on. I made plans.” Magnus started leading them towards the kitchenette. “Can you cook?”

“I tried. Once. Gave Jace and Izzy food poisoning, think Sergeant Wayland just about took off my head when he got home. We stuck to frozen dinners after that.”

Magnus laughed at that. “Guess I’ll have to delegate you to prep work then. I trust you can handle chopping vegetables?”

“How hard can it be?”

###

Dinner had turned out well and the men now sat on Magnus’ couch, wine glasses on the coffee table in front of them as they talked. Magnus is laughing at a story Alec had been telling about the last time Jace tried to land a girlfriend and his face is bright and full of life and _I think I’m falling in love with you_ wants to tumble past Alec’s lips but he isn’t ready, doesn’t know if he can be that vulnerable, so he doesn’t let it, not yet, instead choosing to elaborate on his story with grand gestures, a half reenactment of the failed romantic life of his lieutenant.

###

It’s later that night, late enough that both men have used the weak excuse that it’s far too late for Alec to go home so they can stay together a little longer, and Alec is pressed against Magnus’ bedroom door and they’re kissing again but this time it’s fierce and desperate and needy and neither wants to let go lest the other slip away again. Alec thinks _I should tell him_ but Magnus dips lower, lips and teeth grazing at the sensitive skin on his clavicle and the thought is dismissed, head thrown back against the door, Alec rationalizing that he doesn’t want to say it when it could so easily be misinterpreted as nothing more than words spoken in a moment of lust.

So when Magnus pulls away, lips red and slick and eyes hungry (and Alec knows he matches, knows there’s marks on his skin now that he can’t explain away when he returns to work, and something about that thrills him), panting, and asks in a low, husky whisper, “bed?” Alec nods, because he wants this and he can finally have this and there’s no reason to risk it with feelings spoken too soon.

###

It’s early, earlier than Alec has any reason to be awake, but Magnus is asleep on his chest, arm thrown over him and Alec can’t help but stare. He thinks he’s the most beautiful man he’s ever seen, thinks he’s never been luckier than when he met, thinks _yeah, I love him_ and for the first time, he thinks he might be okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this out a couple days ago but I had friends over for dinner and the prep for that took longer than I expected so I couldn't work on this, then yesterday I took a knock to the head that I don't think did any serious damage but left me a little out of it (could also have been the absolutely insane warmup Burpees had us do but who's to say) (his real name is not burpees but he has us do a lot of them so roll with it) so I couldn't finish the chapter like I'd planned to. Anyways, hope you enjoyed! Usual spiel, comments, kudos, see you next time!


	8. 17 November 2005, 0628

Alec woke slowly, the cold November sunlight that streamed in through Magnus’ window gently easing him from sleep. Magnus stirred from his position curled around Alec, and, _when had that happened_? He shifted and Alec felt the ghost of lips at the nape of his neck.

Alec rolled so he was facing Magnus, a light smile on his face. “Mornin’, babe.”

“Good morning to you too. Sleep well?”

“Better’n I have in months. Probably thanks to you.”

Magnus grinned and laughed a little, “I’d wager it has more to do with you having a real bed.”

“And real blankets, and a real pillow. But mostly you.” Alec’s grin is teasing, broadening when Magnus rolls his eyes.

“Charmer,” he says drily, fingers dancing over the exposed skin of Alec’s shoulder.

“Been called worse.” Alec’s smile turned soft and he wished he could have known, wished that someone had told him ten years ago that one day he would be lying in bed with his boyfriend as they teased each other, their body heat staving off the November chill. He wouldn’t have believed them, probably would have been angry at them, but at least he would have _known_. Had some semblance of hope that it could be okay.

But now, at least, Magnus’ knuckles have come to rest on his cheek and they’re crowded into each other like they never want to leave, and Alec thinks that in two days he might be going off again to fight someone else’s war for reasons he can no longer remember, but right now he has something he never imagined he could.

The droning beep of an alarm going off somewhere behind him interrupted his thoughts and Magnus pulled away, groaning.

Alec propped up on his elbows. “Shit, do you have to go?”

“No, no, not for another hour or so, but I should start getting ready,” Magnus replied, heaving himself out of bed and walking around it to turn off the alarm, his red flannel pajama pants hanging low on his hips. 

Alec sat up and watched Magnus search through his closet for a quiet moment before asking, “Should I leave?”

Magnus stopped, turning to face Alec with a crisp white button down in one hand and a dark colored suit jacket in the other. “We have time for breakfast, if you want,” he said, an edge of caution to his words.

Alec nods, the silver sunlight streaming into the room glinting off his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

“Great, I’m gonna shower real quick, do you want to get something started?” Alec raised an eyebrow. “Right, why don’t you start making coffee instead,” Magnus laughed, turning 

“See, now, that I can do,” Alec said, rolling out of bed, tugging on a shirt from the backpack sitting by his side of the bed, and giving Magnus a quick kiss on the cheek before striding from the room.

Half an hour later found Alec sitting on the kitchen counter, legs crossed and cradling a mug of coffee when Magnus walked in. A tie was draped, undone, around his neck and the suit jacket he’d been holding earlier was folded over his arm, his business attire a stark contrast to the threadbare grey sweatpants and olive drab shirt with ‘ARMY’ printed in block letters across the chest that Alec wore. Magnus blinked slowly at Alec and, as if to make a point, walked to the round table next to the refrigerator and laid the jacket over the back of one of the four chairs that circled it. Alec tracked his movements as he walked over to the coffee pot and filled one of the mugs that sat near it before stirring in a generous amount of sugar and leaning back against the opposite counter.

“Alexander, darling, there _are_ perfectly good chairs only a few feet away.”

Alec shrugged, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Chairs are for straight people.”

Magnus tilted his head, looking at Alec with a faint grin. “Yeah, alright.” He set his mug down, hopping up onto the counter behind him and crossing his legs in a mirror image of Alec. “You hungry?”

At this Alec started, twisting to reach something behind him. “Cat shoved this at me before she nearly collapsed on the couch. Had to half carry her to her bed, musta been a hard shift, anyways she said it was for you.” Alec held out a small white box to Magnus and he reached for it, opening it and brightening.

“Oh!” He took out one of the pastries inside and set it on the counter before handing another to Alec. “Have you ever had almond croissants from Europan? They’re to die for.”

Alec took a bite, chewed slowly, swallowed. “Fuck.”

“Good or bad?”

“Good, those are fucking amazing.”

“The best,” Magnus agreed, eyes sparkling with his smile as he started to eat his own.

###

When Alec returned to his apartment he found Izzy sitting on the couch with a textbook spread over her lap, a notebook to one side, and a haphazard pile of notecards on the other, looking blankly at the ceiling and muttering something under her breath.

“Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Yeah.”

“How long?”

“Dunno, three hours? We’re out of coffee so maybe closer to one and a half.”

“Izzy, how much of the past 12 hours do you remember?”

She looked down at this, squinting at Alec. “How long have you been there?”

Alec stepped closer, a concerned furrow in his brow. “About two minutes, Izzy I think you need to rest a bit.”

“I’ll be fine, just let me study,” she replied, waving a dismissive hand at Alec and looking down at the textbook in her lap before slumping forward.

Alec darted forward, barely managing to catch Izzy before she fell off the couch and scooped her into his arms in a princess carry. He shook his head and sighed, walking gingerly to the bedroom, careful not to bump Izzy’s head on the doorframe before laying her on the bed and pulling a blanket over her.

He left the room and went back to the couch, cleaning up and organizing Izzy’s study materials on the small coffee table in their living room, picking up the various dishes laying around as he went and bringing them into the kitchen to wash.

###

An hour later and he was sitting against the arm of the couch with a book he must have read a hundred times before when Izzy came out of the bedroom, disoriented and rumpled.

“I thought you left already.”

“That was fifteen hours ago, Iz,” Alec said, slipping a scrap of paper into his book to mark his place and putting it down. “I came back a little over an hour ago and you were studying like a woman possessed, swore you’d be fine before passing out so I cleaned up a little and went to the store to get real food and more coffee, you’re not allowed to have any of that until tomorrow morning at the earliest, by the way. Was gonna wake you up in about twenty minutes but here you are.”

“I passed out?”

“You said you’d only slept a couple hours last night, but I doubt you even got that much. Are you feeling any better?”

“A little. Where- where’re my notecards? I could have sworn I made notecards.”

Alec picked them up from where they sat on the coffee table in front of him. “Do you want me to help you study?” Izzy nodded slowly and Alec patted the space on the couch next to him, indicating for her to sit. “Okay, tell me what you’re having the most trouble with and we’ll start with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I had a stressful couple of weeks and didn't know how to start this chapter, and it's not really my best work either, but I promise I'm working on more. It's a little on the shorter side, I had more planned for Izzy + Alec but couldn't figure out how to work it into this chapter so I put it in my scrap bucket to work with later and went for this instead.  
> Also I can't speak for the quality of Europan Bakery's almond croissants, or any of their products, really, given that I have never had them, so we're gonna play pretend for a minute.


	9. 17 November 2005, 1433

Alec had been asleep on the couch when he heard the door open then slam closed and nearly jumped out of his skin. He flung his hand out to stop himself from crashing onto the coffee table and looked up to see Izzy kicking her shoes off, her hair disheveled and face distraught. She walked hurriedly down the hall, one arm wrapped around her midsection and the other hand covering her mouth and nose and for a moment, Alec worried she’d gotten sick but when he went to check he caught the bedroom door closing with a click. Treading cautiously, he made his way down the hall and knocked gently.

“Izzy? You okay?” No reply. “Iz, what’s going on? Come on, talk to me.” Still nothing. “Isabelle-” The door opened slowly and Alec stepped back.

“I’m fine, Alec, really. Just...tired.”

Alec raised an eyebrow, folding his arms over his chest. “Bullshit. Give me a little credit here, Iz, I practically raised you. I know you when you’re tired and this isn’t it.”

Izzy looked down. “I-I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Alec softened his stance, a look of concern growing on his face, and reached out to lay a hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “Are you sure?”

She nodded, brushing a loose strand of hair away from her face and looking up. “You don’t have to worry about me, Alec, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Nah, I’m your big brother, it’s kind of my whole job to worry about the shit you get yourself into,” he replied, pulling her into a half-assed headlock and mussing up her hair. He moved his arm so it slung over her shoulder, leading her down to the kitchen. “Come on, let’s get some food in you. Pizza and The Princess Bride?”

At this Izzy cracked a smile. “Yeah. You’re paying.”

“Like I was gonna let you. Why don’t you put in the movie and I’ll order the pizza. Your favorite is still olives and anchovies, right?” Alec grinned, releasing Izzy and walking backward into the kitchen.

“And it always will be,” Izzy replied, a small smirk of her own decorating her face.

###

The movie had ended 20 minutes ago and Alec was fairly certain Izzy had fallen asleep on his shoulder when she shifted, her chin digging into the space between his collarbone and shoulder, and spoke, “I think I want to talk about it now.”

Alec gently nudged her off him and turned to face her. “Okay.”

“It’s- God this is going to make me sound like a complete asshole,” Izzy sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “I- I didn’t fail the test. I did pretty well, actually, but. I know I could have done better. I should have. I made stupid mistakes and fucked myself over. And the worst part is, I don’t even know why I’m this broken up about it, I mean, I still have a good grade in the class, it’s not like it was an important test it’s just that. I shoulda done better, I don’t know what else to say about it. Feel like I let myself down,” Izzy finished, staring down at her lap and shoving a palm against her eye as though the pressure would stop the tears gathered in the edges of her eyes from falling.

Alec sighed, worrying the bottom of his lip and looking just askew from Izzy before starting, “Iz, we could sit here and debate should all day and it won’t change anything. All there is is what happened, and what’s going to happen. I’d love to hop in a time machine and change the past, do what I think I should have done, but. I can’t. You can’t either. You worked hard, I know you tried, and you said it yourself, this one test isn’t going to make or break your grade. So, no, you shouldn’t have done better, but you will. When it counts. Come on, Iz, you’re a Lightwood. We get stuck in the shit, we dig ourselves out. Not wallow in it like pigs.”

Izzy huffed a laugh. “Wow, poetic. What, who was that? Poe? Byron? Keats?”

Alec clicked his tongue. “Alec Lightwood original right there for ya,” He laughed before falling silent for a brief moment. He nudged Izzy’s shoulder with his own, looking her in the eye. “Got you to laugh, didn’t it?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Alec. I dunno what got into me.”

“You know I’ve always got your back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to get up. School started and I've been feeling like shit. It's not my best work, I'm a little emotionally exhausted as I finish it, but I hope you enjoy! Uh, next chapter should at the very least be up before Thanksgiving. I did get a job recently, though, and I'm working 7hrs on Saturdays and 9 on Sundays so I don't know how much time I'll have to write :(  
> I still love this story, I'm just fucking depressed.


	10. 18 November 2005, 1753

Alec was brushing his teeth when Izzy knocked on the bathroom door frame, poking her head into the room and clearing her throat. Alec leaned over the sink and spit out the toothpaste that remained in his mouth, then looked at Izzy expectantly.

“Hey, uh, any chance you could not be here tonight? I’ve got a...friend coming over to uh, go over some reading we got in class and- you’re not believing a word of this are you?”

Alec pitched his voice higher in a teasing imitation of Izzy’s, “I’ve got a...friend coming over. We’re gonna do some _reading_ ,” he said, raising an eyebrow and continuing, voice dropped to an unimpressed monotone, “Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Back when I was in college we just called it dry-humping on the couch.”

Izzy rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and leaning her shoulder against the doorframe. “Shut up, you’re not even five years older than me. Besides, we’ve barely even started dating so you don’t have to do the whole intimidating older brother shtick yet. Look, can you be gone or not?”

“I’m already going out tonight, you’re good.” Alec smiled, leaning a hip against the bathroom counter. “Unrelated, when is this guy planning on showing his face around here? Not that I’m looking to sit at the kitchen table and threateningly clean Mickey or anything, just curious.”

“First of all, you’re not allowed to clean your guns at the kitchen table, _I eat there_ , second of all, you’re not allowed to threaten my dates!”

Alec held his hands up in mock surrender. “You’re the one who brought up the intimidating older brother shtick, Iz, I just ran with it.”

Izzy crossed her arms and huffed out a sigh. “I shouldn’t have said anything,” she muttered.

“Probably not, but don’t worry. I’ll be outta your hair soon.” Alec glanced down at his watch and started. “Speaking of which, I gotta get ready. I’ll try to call tonight but um, I won’t be back until early tomorrow. Sorry.”

Izzy snorted. “Alec, you’ve spent the better part of your life a miserable loner, don’t apologize for having fun on your days off.”

“Okay I was not miser-” Alec cut himself off and looked down at the floor where the bathroom tile met the hallway carpet. “Okay, maybe a little. More than a little. I was never alone, though, Iz.”

“Shut up and get ready you sentimental asshole.”

Alec chuckled and stepped around Izzy into the hall, messing up her hair as he went.

###

Twenty minutes later Alec found himself once again standing in front of the bedroom door, anxiety roiling in his gut and a slip of scrap paper, an old receipt, clenched in one hand. He knocked on the door, three sharp raps, and waited the few seconds it took for Izzy to open it, her make-up half done, one hand hanging off the handle and the other clutching the doorframe.

“Hey, heading out already?”

“No, um, Magnus is on his way now, I just. I wanted-” Alec started stiltedly, taking a deep breath before thrusting the paper in her direction. “His phone number. In case. In case something happens to me. I don’t want him to be stuck in the dark.”

Izzy stiffened, looking down at the paper with something approaching revulsion. “Alec, don’t say that. You’re not-”

“Please, Isabelle. Just say you’ll,” Alec swallowed, “promise me you’d tell him.”

At his rare use of her full name, Izzy’s pleas and denials died on her lips and her face fell. She slowly took the paper from him, shoulders sagging. “I will, Alec. Of course I will.”

He attempted a grateful smile, though the grim nature of the request made it difficult. A few long seconds later the buzz of the doorbell broke the tense silence between the two, both of them flinching at the sound.

Izzy’s hand slipped from the doorframe. “Well go on, your man is waiting.”

Alec’s lips twitched upwards and he started to turn to go before Izzy called out softly. “Tell him, Alec. He deserves to know.”

Alec clenched his jaw and straightened his back, barely looking at Izzy. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Iz.” A lie. And a poorly disguised one at that.

She sighed, shaking her head. “Yeah you do. I swear, you studied _constitutional law_ at one of the hardest institutes to get into in the _country_ and you can’t figure it out? I don’t believe it. God, Alec,” she stopped herself, then nodded down the hall. “Just go.”

Alec ran a hand over his face, nodding jerkily and heading to the door to meet Magnus outside.

###

Alec forced his shoulders down before opening the door to the apartment building and meeting Magnus on the step. Alec couldn’t help his breath catching when he laid eyes on him, cheeks and nose ever so slightly pink from waiting in the cold and eyes sparkling in the mid-afternoon sunlight.

“I hope I didn’t keep you too long, I had some stuff to talk about with Izzy.”

Magnus smiled. “Not at all. I had a very interesting conversation with your neighbor Mrs. Rankin about bluebirds. I think she might be a little…” He trailed off, searching for the right word.

“Off her rocker?” Alec supplied, “A few marbles short of a set? Knitting with only one needle? A brick or two shy of a full load?”

Magnus let out a huff of shocked laughter. “I was going to say out of it, but sure, those work too,” he said, shrugging, trying and failing to hide the smile threatening to break out on his lips. “So, where are we going?”

Alec grinned playfully. “That’s a surprise,” he teased. “But come on, we’re going to be late if we don’t get going soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been literally half a year since I updated. I did not mean for that to happen. Uhhhhh. Yeah. Anyways, I didn't realize this chapter was already close to a thousand words so, I have reformed my outline and what was supposed to be one chapter will, again, be two! Love that for me. Also, the internet has some weird ideas about what to do for a "fun" date. In NY. In November. Mountaineering? Really? Do you want your fingers to fall off??


	11. 18 November 2005, 1827

“Can you give me a hint? At least tell me if I’m dressed appropriately,” Magnus asked as they boarded the subway, following Alec to stand by the doors.

Alec looked at him briefly before casting a furtive glance at the other passengers. “You’re dressed fine, babe. Actually, probably better than I am, but my nice clothes amount to Class As and a full tuxedo, and I’d rather not stick out like a sore thumb.”

“Please give me your sister’s contact information so I can talk to her about elevating your wardrobe.”

Alec turned to face Magnus again. “Believe me, she’s tried,” he snorted, reaching up to grab the bar above him as the train started forward. “I’ve never really needed a regular suit, and besides, it’s not like I tend to go places besides war zones and the base. Nice clothes have not been a requirement in my life.”

“You didn’t _used_ to go places besides war zones and your base, now _we_ go on very nice dates that _you_ won’t tell me about.”

The corners of Alec’s lips twitched upwards. “You’re not getting any hints out of me, Magnus. I have a younger sister, I am immune to begging.”

“Damn that Isabelle. But I did get a hint out of you, a tuxedo would make you stick out like a sore thumb.”

“That pretty much only rules out the opera. You’ve narrowed the playing field to dates that are actually in my price range now.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes. “I’ll get it out of you.”

“Yes, when we get there.” Alec was grinning again and Magnus couldn’t help but smile and shake his head.

“Fine,” he relented. “You win this time, Lightwood.”

“Oh, so it’s a competition now?” Alec asked, eyebrow raised.

“Where’s the fun if it’s not?” Magnus replied, smirking, and Alec’s breath caught in his throat as he stared at the other man, eyes wide.

###

Magnus was still trying for an answer thirty minutes later when Alec led them out of the subway station and he finally stopped on the edge of the sidewalk, pulling Magnus away from a man running down the steps.

“There’s an Andy Warhol exhibit at the Met,” he sighed. “The last guided tour is in,” he checked his watch, “five minutes. I remembered you said you liked him, I thought maybe we could-”

Magnus cut him off with a kiss, grinning when he broke away. “We weren’t even officially dating when I told you that, Alexander. How on earth did you remember that?”

“I-” Alec stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I just, you...you do that to me. I want to know these things about you.”

Magnus shook his head, smiling. “Let’s skip the guided tour. Let me teach you, I won’t know as much as the guides but won’t it be more fun?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it will.” Alec smiled, taking the hand Magnus held out to him as the two of them started walking to the museum.

###

 

Later that night, after a few fitful hours of sleep, Alec woke up to an empty bed. He stretched his back and pulled himself up against the headboard, seeing the faint glow of the kitchen light through the open bedroom door. The sheets next to him had gone cold. He sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing, scrubbing a hand over his face before carefully making his way to the small kitchen.

Magnus was leaning against the counter, staring out into the dark living room with his hands wrapped around a mug of tea.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Alec asked softly, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe and loosely crossing his arms.

“Thinking too much,” came the absent reply, Magnus not tearing his gaze away from the muddy shapes of the furniture in the room over.

Alec crossed the doorway to stand at Magnus’ side, cocking his head. “What about?”

Magnus shook his head, looking down at the mug. “Nothing you need to bother yourself with.” He let out a sharp breath and looked at Alec with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you, I’m sorry.”

“I’m a pretty light sleeper, could’ve been anything. But it’s you I’m worried about right now.”

“I’m telling you, I’m fine.”

“Why don’t I believe that?”

Magnus swallowed, lifting the mug and palming it as he turned to lean his back against the countertop and stared at the ceiling. “I can’t stop thinking about you. About the war. About what I’m supposed to do if you don’t come back. How long am I supposed to wait? Not- not knowing if you’re dead or just can’t contact me?” He let out a mirthless laugh. “How am I supposed to move on if you die? Because I won’t know, I- I don’t want you out of my life, Alec, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to work with you in it.” Magnus looked down at Alec, who’d straightened his back and crossed his arms loosely.

“So, what do we do here? I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go back to my life without you. But, God, I don’t want anything more than for you to be happy, Magnus. And if me being gone would make you happy, I’ll- I’ll do that. For you.” Alec said, voice breaking.

“That’s not what I want, either. _You_ make me happy, Alexander. A kind of happiness I haven’t felt in a long time,” Magnus swallowed and took a deep breath. “So, I think we figure it out as we go along. I don’t think we can do anything but that.”

The two men were silent for a long moment, neither quite looking at the other, the ticking of the clock hanging on the wall the only sound in the otherwise dead apartment until Alec spoke, “I’m coming back, you know.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Magnus snorted, finally looking Alec in the eye.

“I’ll do everything I can to come back,” Alec amended, voice soft and tentative. “I- I love you, Magnus,” he got out in a rush of air. “I would move heaven and earth to come home to you. That’s a promise I can keep.”

Magnus’ face was slowly overtaken by a grin as he registered Alec’s words and he stepped closer to the other man, laying a hand on his arm. “I love you, too, Alexander.”

Alec let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and smiled shakily. “Come on, let’s go back to bed. We both have early mornings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *buries face in hands in shame*  
> i'm really trying here folks. i hope you enjoyed! and i actually started working on the next chapter before posting this one so who knows, maybe it won't take me another half a year to finish it :)  
> also like, i live in ~The Motor City~ and it would physically pain the ghosts of our ancestors to have functioning public transport because Cars Are Life and we have whole museums dedicated to them, so idfk how subway systems work. sorry bout that.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it drop a comment or kudos! And if you would like to maybe beta read this you can contact me on [Tumblr](bi-izzylightwood.tumblr.com). If you want you can also check out my [ writing](alostwritersmind.tumblr.com) blog, or you can check out the [ playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/friendlyneighborhoodlesbian40/playlist/0RHWleKbGKGCYrhq1HNCrp?si=TrdmYilZQdulN37xQuj8hg) for this fic on Spotify and the playlist I made for Alec's [ company](https://open.spotify.com/user/friendlyneighborhoodlesbian40/playlist/2WC6tVuG2TUb5Tu4J6uqYe?si=_0ycRJZsSC6YR6YmhvphnQ). I'm also working on character playlists for both Magnus and Alec and maybe a Malec wedding playlist for this verse.  
> Also, if you ever want to see any of the scenes between Alec and Magnus from Magnus' point of view I'd be more than happy to write that for more practice.


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